so i’m crying right now. and honestly, i can’t tell if they’re happy or sad tears because i think i finally found my answer to my problem: http://www.asexuality.org/
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. practically everyone i know (friends my own age) are either in these deep romantic relationships and/or engaged and i’m alone. and i feel absolutely worthless sometimes but then again, when i’m around said couples and they start fighting and making drama i am SO glad i don’t have to deal with stuff like that.
but then again, when i see the good times, the times when couples are so in love, when just a smile makes the other one happy, i want that so badly. so. badly.
and then my thoughts travel from love to sex (and i’m just gonna say/type it: i’m a virgin) and how i’ve never done anything sexual but then i think, you know what, a part of me really doesn’t want to do anything sexual. sex is such a mystery to me (especially the whole bondage, s&m, and such but that’s another blog post) and half the time i don’t get why people want/need it so badly.
but i want to want it like everyone else. i want to want to be sexually fulfilled, to have that passionate, steamy sex you see in movies. i want to, but i just don’t. and then my mind goes to thoughts like “something’s wrong with me” and “what if something happened to me as a kid?” and “when am i going to have my sexual awakening?”
but today, my thoughts went to, “i wonder if i’m asexual? but wait, what exactly is asexuality again?” and then i read the FAQ on the asexuality website and then i read things like this:
- Something must be terribly wrong with me. I’m broken. I think I can trace my asexuality to something that happened when I was a child. Do you think that’s why I’m this way?
- I’m worried that I’m sexually repressed or just using this to distance myself from or hide from the real world. How can I be sure I’m really asexual?
- I don’t like being asexual. I want to be normal like everyone else. What can I do?
and i start crying. (again.)
these are my EXACT feelings. i’m crying because i finally found someone/something/someplace that shares my thoughts. but i’m crying because of that want. “i want to be normal like everyone else.”
nearly all my life i’ve always wanted a beautiful house in the suburbs that i would share with my husband (btw i like guys) and my kids. will i ever get to have the kids part? will i ever get to have the husband part??
but the asexuality website also says that it’s perfectly normal for asexuals to have romanic attraction, which i know i definitely have, it’s just the whole sexual desire thing that isn’t front and center. of course, this makes me hopeful but right now the realization of all of this is a little too much for me and i’m gonna need time to accept this.
so, i guess, if you’re still reading, do you have any thoughts/advice/whatever for me? from what i’ve said, am i really asexual or am i jumping to conclusions and crying over nothing (i do that sometimes)?
it’s also so ironic in my opinion, being “the shojo” and everything. i’m called shojo by my friends because i’m the innocent, the pinkie pie, the disney princess. i was never interested in sex growing up so i never learned/asked about it. (i discovered what masturbation was at the age of 14. ha ha, so funny, i know.) and not to expose all my secrets to the internet but, i did try, you know, masturbating once. it was odd to say the least. but that’s probably because it was my first time but still. it was odd.
anyway, if you’re still reading, first of all thanks. being a slytherin and all i love talking about myself and being a thespian i know i can talk for a while so, yeah, thank you. blogging helps. it also feels nice to tell random strangers about something so personal. it’s like a great weight is off my shoulders.
now, if you’ll excuse me, i have to go blow my nose and watch some disney movies.